The S-word
by wotterforever
Summary: Fairy Tail is home to the most immature bunch of brats known to mankind. Then, one fine day, the worst thing possible happens...an educator from the Magic Council comes, to teach them about sex. Chaos ensues, Fairy Tail-style.


It was a normal day in Fairy Tail standards, which meant that Wakaba had been kicked out by his wife, Macao had lost track of Romeo, Mirajane and Erza were at loggerheads while Natsu and Grey had taken the opportunity to start a brawl again. Cana, who had recently begun a drinking phase that would last her a lifetime, was passed out on the bar counter, while Levy sat nearby and read a book quietly. Jet and Droy, who hadn't yet plucked up enough courage to talk to the cute bluenette, were sitting at a table close by and admiring her. Laxus was sitting in a shady corner of the room, headphones on and music blasting his eardrums.

Master walked out of his office to see this typical scene, smiled to himself at his brats' antics, and suddenly went serious.

As much as he wanted this day to be normal ( as normal as it could get for Fairy Tail mages), it wasn't. It was time for his brats to grow up.

A special educator was coming from the Magic Council today, to talk to the children - about _sex._

Yes, it was time for sex education.

Makarov didn't want to believe it, after all he was still young, with a full head of hair ( Ha! Take that father! I did not inherit your balding genes). He wasn't ready to see his brats grow up and eventually reproduce ( Natsu and Grey's brats would probably be a thousand times more destructive than them, which seemed impossible at the current moment).

He sighed and sat down on the bar counter, yelling out " STOP FIGHTING, YOU SHITTY BRATS!", which was his customary way of saying good morning to the guild.

Everyone ignored him and kept fighting.

Eventually, he lost his patience. He may love this bunch of troubled, chaotic brats, but he was no saint. Mavis herself would have lost it by now.

He grew his hands to giant-size and grabbed hold of Grey in one, and Natsu in another. Mira and Erza stopped fighting reluctantly, too. Levy looked up, wondering what was happening.

" Today, a very important person from the Magic Council is coming to the guild!"

" What did Mirajane do now? Or was it Erza?" asked Grey in a bored monotone.

" As if you have any right to talk! You and Natsu are at each other's throats from noon to night!" Mira yelled.

Master, and several other older members of the guild sweat-dropped at that. The amount of damages they had to pay for was eating them out of house and home.

" SHUT IT! None of you have destroyed anything! Well, at least none that I have heard of yet...The person who is coming from the Council today is a teacher. She will be instructing you on...erm...stuff you haven't heard about before".

" Is it a new kind of magic?" asked Levy, suddenly very interested.

"No".

" Is it some kinda new alcohol she's gonna tell us about?" asked Cana, blearily rubbing her eyes.

Fairy Tail really wasn't being a good influence on her at the moment.

" No"

" Ooohh...I got it! It's some new kind of exercise routine, ain't it?" asked Natsu, his body blazing up.

"...yes"

" Woah! I was correct! I'm awesome at this guessing stuff!"

" Yeah, if only you did not have a brain the size of a peanut"

" _What was that you ice prick?!"_

" Listen up!" the Master shouted again " You are to be polite to this teacher, and not laugh, no matter what she teaches you, alright?"

" What does polite mean?" asked Natsu and Grey simultaneously, looking gormless.

Levy took to banging her head on the table in frustration at her dimwitted guild mates.

Master sighed, defeated " Just be nice to her, you brats!"

Just for a moment, Mirajane's terrifying future avatar shown through. No, not Satan Soul, rather, her pink-glitter-surrounded matchmaking self.

" I wonder what's the matter?" she whispered conspiratorially to Erza, all rivalry forgotten in a moment of curiosity " perhaps Master likes this teacher!"

" L-li-like?" stuttered Erza, turning red and fainting.

" Yeah. Why else would he ask her to treat her nicely?"

" Because if you brats don't, he'll have yet another heavy fine of misconduct to pay to the Council" Wakaba answered from the corner.

FTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFT

She came at 10 a.m. ,dressed in regulation uniform for Council instructors. Her moustache and beard evident even at a distance, putting Wakaba's stubble to shame.

She knocked on the guild door and waited for a minute. When no one answered the door, but it was quite evident from the noise that there were, indeed, people inside the guild building, she shook her head and sighed at their abysmal manners before letting herself in.

The scene she saw inside made her sniff in disapproval, though she had expected this, considering the rumours about Fairy Tail.

What was surprising was that not only were the children fighting, but the adults were fighting too. Makarov, the guild master, was no less. He punched a man, quite playfully on the shoulder, but the said man went flying into the barmaid, who then proceeded to thwack him over the head with a metal tray as if this was a usual occurrence.

Something told the woman that it was indeed a usual occurrence.

Just then, Makarov noticed her standing at the door and grimaced feebly.

" Hello Miss...erm... Markill"

" It's Martell" she replied coldly " and I would appreciate it if you could ask your under-age guild members to assemble in a room. I trust you have provided for an instructing board and writing materials, as asked by the council?"

" Er...yeah" he turned his head, and in a complete 180 degree turn of his personality screamed at the kids " YOU LOT! GET INSIDE THE OFFICE!"

The woman sweat-dropped. Someone should talk to the council about these kids not getting proper upbringing.

Mira whispered to Erza " I know they say love is blind, but I didn't know it was also deaf and mute. This woman clearly has a rod rammed up where the sun doesn't shine. Master has really bad taste in women".

The kids caused a stampede, running over several older mages, who were left groaning and complaining about their broken backs.

One of the girls, a brunette, looked suspiciously red-nosed and watery-eyed. Another boy was roaming around in nothing but his boxers. She also thought she saw a red haired girl lusting after a piece of strawberry cake kept on the bar counter.

She filed into the room after the kids, and found a cheeky, pink-haired boy drawing dragons on the chalkboard provided.

She shooed him back to his seat with his blue cat ( she didn't know cats came in that color) and waited for the kids to calm down.

Instead, they kept getting rowdier and rowdier.

She finally list her temper. Screw sex education, she wasn't paid enough to deal with this.

" SHUT UP, YOU BRATS!"

There was silence, and then:

" WAAAAHHHHH! THE MOUSTACHE WOMAN WAS SO MEAN TO ME NATSU!" and the blue cat hugged the pink-haired boy, sobbing.

The educator didn't know whether to be shocked that the cat could talk, or angry that he had called her a moustache woman.

Similarly, a whitish-blond haired guy was sniffling as a goth-emo girl who looked like him was patting his head and glaring at her.

The woman sighed and decided to continue.

" As you know I am here to educate you about sex, now you see-"

The whole group suddenly went silent, and the red-haired girl who had been lusting after confectionaries fainted with a red fountain spurting out of her nose.

Laxus just sat in the corner and wondered why he was being made to go through this torture when he had already suffered it three years ago.

Suddenly, the pink-haired boy said " I see, so that's what the exercise is called!"

"Exercise?" I asked confused.

" Yeah, Gramps said you're here to teach us about a new exercise!" he replied.

I could hear crickets chirping in the background as I stood there with my mouth open.

Makarov told them she was here about _exercise_?! The man was one of the ten wizard saints and was know all over the country for his bravery. Who knew he would be afraid of saying the words 'sex education'.

The naked boy screamed from across the room " Oi, you flame-brain, even I know what sex is!".

" What did you call me, ice princess?!" and the boy got ready to hurl himself across the room at his guild mate.

"Sit down" I said acerbically "and listen".

The goth-emo girl used ropes ( don't ask, I don't know where they came from and don't even want to) to bind the pink-haired boy to the chair and said " Go ahead".

The woman cleared her throat once more " Now, as I was saying earlier, I am here for the purposes of teaching you about sex. Now sex is an activity two people engage in when are in love with each other-"

" L-love?" said the red-haired girl, before she fainted again.

The woman ploughed on "- and it is a very natural process. In very simple terms, a man and woman have sex when-"

" Why is it only a man and woman? I mean, Gramps loves us all, but he can only do the exercise with girls? That's unfair!"

The other kids and the woman were now trying to forget that traumatising sentence. A blue-haired girl in the corner actually covered her mouth and went green in the face.

The woman's eyebrows twitched in annoyance.

"-the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina and-"

" What's a penis? And what is a vagina? Are they kinds of food? They sound yummy!" said the pink-haired boy again.

The red-haired girl looked like she had permanently gone into a coma, the goth-emo girl was wincing, while her little sister did the same. The naked boy had stuck his head out of the window, along with the blue-haired girl ( some disgusting retching noises could be heard) and the brunette who looked suspiciously drunk was giggling quite indecently. Even the blue cat had his paw glued to his forehead in a perpetual facepalm.

The pink-haired boy continued looking at the woman in oblivious stupidity.

She realized that she was going to have to be crude.

" Your weenie goes in the hole between a girl's legs" she said bluntly.

The rest of the group went silent, their mouths dropping open at her wording.

She shrugged. She was here to do a job, and she was going to get it done at any cost.

" Oh, and then what do you do?" asked the pink-haired boy.

" You thrust until a white liquid comes out of your weenie".

" And then what happens?"

" The woman may or may not get pregnant and have a child".

" What?! Kids are born like that?! But Happy came from an egg! YOU ARE LYING!"

" Natsu, I'm a cat. Humans don't have kids with eggs" said the cat simply.

"Oh, I see".

And that's when the educator decided that she was SO done with this class, and walked out of the classroom like a boss, leaving a bunch of traumatized children behind her and a pink-haired kid who was grinning happily.

Mira whispered to an immobile Erza " You know, if she can actually teach Natsu about sex without killing him, she can't be all that bad".

In response, Erza just bled more profusely from her nose.

FTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFT

Ten years later:

" Lucy, do you know what sex is?" asked Natsu.

Lucy went bright red and stuttered "Y-yes"

He punched his hand in the air and yelled "Yosh! Let's do it then. It's great exercise you know, and-"

"LUCY KICK!"


End file.
